i like him

Yesterday I was unloading the dishwasher and ran across a few things that got put in various wrong cabinets.  It warmed my heart, because I have such a wonderful husband who unloads the dishwasher.  I’m a lucky girl.

he felt like that old t-shirt that you just never want to take off

That’s what Faith Hill just said about her husband on Oprah.  (Sidebar: please pretend I didn’t confess that I was watching Oprah.)

I’m not sure I felt like husband like she felt about Tim when I first met him, as she claims she did.  I don’t know when things shifted, but I can say will full assurance that I feel that way now.  I love that simile because I know that t-shirt feeling.  In fact, there is a whole post about t-shirts floating around in my head right now.  I’ll get it processed and relayed one of these days.  For now, I have to go back to playing PacMan.

this was in my inbox this morning

Here’s the Story of the Day: Perfectly Anxious missing a perfectly good day because she’s sure that she should be anxious about something

the parasite

Anyway, here’s the deal on the pregnancy - perhaps in too much detail, but that’s what you get when you’re friends with me.

Last Thursday’s sonogram showed only a gestational sac, no fetus/baby, etc.  The sac was small, but there was no bleeding around the sac, etc. so everything looked fine, just too early.  Being the paranoid person that I am I had a good embarassing cry in front of the ultrasound tech and decided that I was not brave enough to go to a sonogram without husband after all.  I mean, if I’m going to cry like that I at least need someone who the sonogram lady can look directly in the eyes and talk to because clearly I am unfit.  So, despite the breakdown, I wasn’t overly concerned because it is very possible that my dates are just off – I know that my cycle is at least an extra week long and I know that its possible my body is still out of whack from being on the pill, getting pregnant right away, miscarrying, trying to get back to normal, etc.  So, sonogram #2 was scheduled for Thursday of this week.

I saw Doctor on Friday last week and he was very un-encouraging (smart of him, but annoying to me) and acted like things could go either way and that it was just a waiting game.  I asked him then if the stuff I’m taking (a natural hormone thing) would prevent bleeding from a miscarriage to happen and he said that it would for awhile, but not forever.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the bathroom and had some spotting and was very alarmed.  It was different than what I had with the miscarriage, and I know that spotting is not unusual in the first trimester (because I’ve googled everything imaginable).  Nevertheless, I called the doctor’s office and they had me come in for another sonogram.  I called husband hysterical and asked/told him to meet me at the doctor’s office.  At this point, I’m thinking that nothing is going to make me feel better because last February, we saw a normal everything on the sonogram, saw a heartbeat, etc. and still managed to make that less than 10% of folks that have miscarriages after all of that.  So, in my mind at this stage, seeing a heartbeat isn’t insurance.  At the same time, I of course don’t want to see the vast emptiness that I saw after I miscarried last time.  Pretty much, I want to go for the sonogram and have them just hand me a healthy baby and tell me that I’m done worrying about the pregnancy because it has already resulted in a beautiful baby girl.

Well, we go for the sonogram and still see no heartbeat, but the sac is bigger and now we can see a yolk sac.  So, that tells us that things seem to be progressing, its still too early, and I’m going to give birth to an omelet.

We rescheduled this Thursday’s sonogram for next Monday and are saying our prayers that the omelet will turn into a baby with a crazy great heartbeat by then and that somehow I’ll figure out approximately how pregnant I am, because at this point I’m mystified and tired of trying to figure it out.  Other than that, its just waiting.

I was (am still) in a pretty fragile emotional state last night.  I had some McDonald’s for dinner and watched America’s Got Talent, so that was some decent therapy.  Please pray that husband and I will just have peace with the whole situation and that I will see the blessings that are there and trust God’s will where I don’t understand.  Please pray too that the spotting will stop.  I know it can be totally normal, but its amazing the joy that can come from going to the bathroom and having a clean wipe.  And there is the TMI I promised.

I’m learning through this (it shouldn’t have taken me so long) that I am a crisis-meditator.  I’ve been like this for awhile, but I’m seeing a little bit more of the picture now.  I’m thinking I need to become a better all-time meditator, but that’s another post for another day.  When I was so uber-stressed with work, I read everything morning and meditated all day long on this scripture (from The Message):

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! 6-7Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

 8-9Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

At the time of the miscarriage, I had just started memorizing the Semon on the Mount and took great comfort in:

 4Blessed are those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.

I think this time it is a couple of songs that God is laying on my heart to meditate on and trust in.

Well, sometimes my life
Just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something
I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And:

1. When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
   What a glory He sheds on our way!
   While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
   And with all who will trust and obey.
   • Refrain:
     Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
     To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
2. Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
   But His smile quickly drives it away;
   Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
   Can abide while we trust and obey.
3. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
   But our toil He doth richly repay;
   Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
   But is blessed if we trust and obey.
4. But we never can prove the delights of His love
   Until all on the altar we lay;
   For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
   Are for them who will trust and obey.
5. Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
   Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
   What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
   Never fear, only trust and obey.

 

Because you’ve got a lot to do before supper…

I pack my husband’s lunch every day. There you have it, I’ve confessed.

It started back in January when he broke his ankle. I did everything I could to save him steps and keep him off his feet. I laid his clothes out for him, fixed his cereal, packed his lunch, etc. After he ditched the cast and crutches, I dropped the morning habits of laying out his clothes and fixing his cereal, but I felt guilty leaving him to his former ways of packing lunch. I knew that if I quit, he would eat chips and pudding instead of the nice healthy turkey sandwich that I prepared, and more importantly I knew how much he appreciated me doing that for him.

So, here we are many months post-cast & crutches and I still pack the lunch and I don’t even mind doing it and he still appreciates it and lets me know and yet I feel like it is a sign that I am becoming “that wife”. You know, the one. The subservient wife who is slave to rather than partner of her spouse. The woman with no voice of her own and no opinion. Yes, these are ridiculous thoughts. I love my husband. I love to serve him and make him feel loved and appreciated. I am nowhere near that place where I’ve lost all thoughts and opinions of my own. Why then, do I feel like I always have to justify to others this small act of service that I do for my loving husband who would never demand or even ask me to do it for him?

Yesterday at work, it came up with a new co-worker that I did this for husband and she said, “Oh, I think its great. My husband packs my lunch for me every day.” I immediately thought he seemed like a sweet and caring husband, but then I reverse the gender roles and imagine that I am on the fast-track to becoming perpetually-smiling-not-a-hair-out-of-place-apron-wearing-stocking -ironing-Donna-Reed.

Clearly I have many issues.

riding the roller coaster

I’m an emotional eater, and an emotional shopper.  I just polished off a #9 from McDonald’s to include a Coke (mmm) and sweet and sour sauce.  I’m having some trouble with the shopping part.  Unfortunately, I did a little online shopping prior to hopping on the roller coaster today.  Now, I’ve got nowhere to shop except for this one shirt that I want to buy, but shouldn’t spend the money.  Someone take my computer away and pass me some ice cream.

burgers…mmm…

Saturday night, husband and I went out to eat at our favorite burger joint that happens to be across the street from my former (pre-marital) dwelling.  When I lived in the former dwelling, I ate at this place or had take-out from there at least once a week, but now we live further away, so it is more of a treat when we go.  I’m rambling.

 So, we eat our burgers and fries.  We’re having fun.  We get our bill for all of sixteen dollars and some cents and we just feel happy, so we decide to tip $20.  It felt good.  I don’t know what our waitress’ (pc: server’s) reaction was, but I hope that it encouraged her and made her day, because it encouraged me and made mine.

The real question for the universe is, why don’t we do crap like this more often?  I know that money doesn’t grow on trees, but I guess I’m referring to the random “spreading of joy” type of behavior.  There’s a move where Helen Hunt wears short skirts and tacky tops called “Pay it Forward” that works on a similar, but more global premise… interesting concepts.

Now, I’m feeling kind of hippie.

Peace.

just the facts

As I hit the send button on an email to the lovely Sarah, I realized that I’ve been remiss (I love that word) as to a proper introduction of myself.  For any who are interested, here’s the scoop on whose drivel you’ve been reading. 

Mouse:

• aged at: 26 1/2 (the half is very important, you know) years old
• married to: adorkable, enginerd Husband for 1 1/2 (the half is even more important here!) years
• living: in house Husband purchased as a bachelor (for now), somewhere in the middle of the US, two states away from where I grew up, one state away from where I went to college
• daughter to: the Mom and the Dad
• little sister to: Big Sisser
• sister-in-law to: Husband’s brother, Husband’s brother’s wife, Big Sisser’s Man
• auntie to: nephew (son of Husband’s brother and Husband’s brother’s wife), baby #2 (incubating progeny of Husband’s brother and Husband’s brother’s wife)
• surrogate auntie to: children of very close friend -Mr. Big Stuff, Little Girl, and Sweet Boy
• active member of: my church (no particular denomination for those of you who care)
• graduate of: state school between here and hometown with a degree in Communications (otherwise known as, nothing too specific)
• addicted to: popsicles, handbags, new eye shadow, reality tv, and of course – shoes
• personal appearance: I’m devastatingly beautiful. 

that’s more like it

Test results were good.  Sonogram is Thursday, OB appointment Friday.  Now, I just have to figure out how to explain away me going to TWO doctor’s appointments in TWO days that just happen to be my last TWO days in the office at work.  I’ve got appointment number two explained – I’m going to the doctor while I still have my same insurance coverage of course.  The other one, I may be able to wiggle my way out of needing to explain since I’ll be out of the office prior to the appointment for a meeting with a client.  We’ll see how that goes.

 In other news, I cleaned out my desk today since new girl starts Monday and I’ll be desking at secluded corner desk on lame laptop from the 1990’s.  I have kept a lot of junk over the years at this job.  It was amazing the amount of notes from meetings, etc. that I had filed and/or piled away as if I would ever refer to them again.  Perhaps the saddest news of all is that I had only one bag of personal items (well, two things – a pictures of me and husband and a mug sporting my college mascot/logo on it that used to be filled with candy) and TWO bags of leftover snacks including, but not limited to:

• a partially eaten box of cookie crisp cereal
• some stale wheat thins – that still taste good
• raisins
• mini-marshmallows
• mints
• conversation heart candy
• pretzels
• microwave popcorn
• various popcorn seasonings

Tomorrow, I’ll have to clean out my shelf in the fridge.  I didn’t want to overdo it today with the bags to carry out to the car.

scary movie

I called the doctor Monday.  They put me on prometrium and had me come in for a blood draw.  I got the results today.  From what I can tell from the cursed internet, my hcg and progesterone levels are on the low side of normal for this stage in the game.  The nurse asked me to get blood drawn again tomorrow to make sure that hcg is doubling every 48 hours, etc.  This is not a good sign in my opinion.  Is this stress ball in the pit of my stomach what the next thirty-something weeks are going to be like (assuming all goes well)?

My doorbell just rang.  I didn’t answer it.  I don’t like answering the door when I don’t know who it might be.  I’m not interested in any magazine subscriptions, the neighborhood block party, or creepy abductor.   I wonder when it is safe to go downstairs where someone standing at the door would most likely see me?