the parasite

Anyway, here’s the deal on the pregnancy - perhaps in too much detail, but that’s what you get when you’re friends with me.

Last Thursday’s sonogram showed only a gestational sac, no fetus/baby, etc.  The sac was small, but there was no bleeding around the sac, etc. so everything looked fine, just too early.  Being the paranoid person that I am I had a good embarassing cry in front of the ultrasound tech and decided that I was not brave enough to go to a sonogram without husband after all.  I mean, if I’m going to cry like that I at least need someone who the sonogram lady can look directly in the eyes and talk to because clearly I am unfit.  So, despite the breakdown, I wasn’t overly concerned because it is very possible that my dates are just off – I know that my cycle is at least an extra week long and I know that its possible my body is still out of whack from being on the pill, getting pregnant right away, miscarrying, trying to get back to normal, etc.  So, sonogram #2 was scheduled for Thursday of this week.

I saw Doctor on Friday last week and he was very un-encouraging (smart of him, but annoying to me) and acted like things could go either way and that it was just a waiting game.  I asked him then if the stuff I’m taking (a natural hormone thing) would prevent bleeding from a miscarriage to happen and he said that it would for awhile, but not forever.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the bathroom and had some spotting and was very alarmed.  It was different than what I had with the miscarriage, and I know that spotting is not unusual in the first trimester (because I’ve googled everything imaginable).  Nevertheless, I called the doctor’s office and they had me come in for another sonogram.  I called husband hysterical and asked/told him to meet me at the doctor’s office.  At this point, I’m thinking that nothing is going to make me feel better because last February, we saw a normal everything on the sonogram, saw a heartbeat, etc. and still managed to make that less than 10% of folks that have miscarriages after all of that.  So, in my mind at this stage, seeing a heartbeat isn’t insurance.  At the same time, I of course don’t want to see the vast emptiness that I saw after I miscarried last time.  Pretty much, I want to go for the sonogram and have them just hand me a healthy baby and tell me that I’m done worrying about the pregnancy because it has already resulted in a beautiful baby girl.

Well, we go for the sonogram and still see no heartbeat, but the sac is bigger and now we can see a yolk sac.  So, that tells us that things seem to be progressing, its still too early, and I’m going to give birth to an omelet.

We rescheduled this Thursday’s sonogram for next Monday and are saying our prayers that the omelet will turn into a baby with a crazy great heartbeat by then and that somehow I’ll figure out approximately how pregnant I am, because at this point I’m mystified and tired of trying to figure it out.  Other than that, its just waiting.

I was (am still) in a pretty fragile emotional state last night.  I had some McDonald’s for dinner and watched America’s Got Talent, so that was some decent therapy.  Please pray that husband and I will just have peace with the whole situation and that I will see the blessings that are there and trust God’s will where I don’t understand.  Please pray too that the spotting will stop.  I know it can be totally normal, but its amazing the joy that can come from going to the bathroom and having a clean wipe.  And there is the TMI I promised.

I’m learning through this (it shouldn’t have taken me so long) that I am a crisis-meditator.  I’ve been like this for awhile, but I’m seeing a little bit more of the picture now.  I’m thinking I need to become a better all-time meditator, but that’s another post for another day.  When I was so uber-stressed with work, I read everything morning and meditated all day long on this scripture (from The Message):

4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! 6-7Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

 8-9Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

At the time of the miscarriage, I had just started memorizing the Semon on the Mount and took great comfort in:

 4Blessed are those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.

I think this time it is a couple of songs that God is laying on my heart to meditate on and trust in.

Well, sometimes my life
Just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something
I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And:

1. When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
   What a glory He sheds on our way!
   While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
   And with all who will trust and obey.
   • Refrain:
     Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
     To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
2. Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
   But His smile quickly drives it away;
   Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
   Can abide while we trust and obey.
3. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
   But our toil He doth richly repay;
   Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
   But is blessed if we trust and obey.
4. But we never can prove the delights of His love
   Until all on the altar we lay;
   For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
   Are for them who will trust and obey.
5. Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
   Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
   What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
   Never fear, only trust and obey.