bothersome
Last night, my friend offered to be a surrogate for us. This really bothered me on a couple of levels. We’ll start with the legitimate level and then move on to the shallow level.
Legitimately Bothered:
I haven’t given up yet on Husband and I having a biological child the old fashioned way where I get huge, eat lots of ice cream and french fries, complain about looking like a barn, etc. Call me crazy, Internet, but I feel like until I give up on that idea, my friends shouldn’t either. This is the second comment she has said relative to the idea that I will never have a sustainable pregnancy (to be fair, she could be right). Now maybe if I had 37 miscarriages and a diagnosis, and was refusing to give up it would be okay for my friends to give up on me, but I’ve had TWO miscarriages and no diagnosis; and have clearly communicated that I’m only willing to endure a maximum of one more miscarriage, so I feel like it is within the realm of reasonable-ality that my friends get on board with me and pray that attempt #3 will be a success rather than making alternate plans for me.
Shallowly Bothered:
She had a baby in November. I love the baby with my whole self. I love my friend with my whole self. However, she drove me crazy through her whole pregnancy – complaining about being sick, feeling uncomfortable, talking about needing maternity clothes at 6 weeks, complaining about being hospitalized for a blood clot (hello! you have a blood clot! you could die! your baby could die! and you’re concerned that the doctor gave no consideration to the fact that you have a life and didn’t want to be in the hospital?). After labeling their OB (who also happens to be mine who I love) an alarmist for the hospital stay, I disagreed and her husband said to me: “What if you were pregnant and something went wrong?” I calmly replied with, “I’ve been pregnant and something has gone wrong. I’ve appreciated Dr. H’s reaction.” Friend’s husband then proceeded to act like my pregnancies didn’t count as real pregnancies. I mean I get that people who haven’t experienced miscarriage don’t understand it. I didn’t understand it this time last year, and sometimes I have a hard time referring to former pregnancies as pregnancies rather than “the first miscarriage” or “the second one”; I don’t need to be further invalidated (is that a word and if so did I use it correctly?) by others.
I declined the surrogacy offer.
P.S. If you comment, please don’t bash my friends. You’re seeing only a limited picture of them and its not very nice/fair for me to only show one part of one side of the coin.
I love how people who have one or more children comment on all aspects of pregnancy as though they are the experts. I am not bashing your friend; just a generalization. I think the surrogacy thing would be strange, especially with a friend.
I was hoping I wasn’t a friend who hurt your feelings. If I have, PLEASE know it was TOTALLY unknowingly. Call me out on it!
See you next week!
p.s. my “doomed” pregnancy is squirting antibacterial gel all over the floor, so must go now. If I had listened to half my ‘friends’ and family she wouldn’t be here. Ah, that’s another post entirely.
Your friend may also feel at a loss, and be offering the only thing that she feels that she can offer. Another way to look at it: if she’s a new mother—her hormones are still going full swing. She is sooooooo very in love with this brand new child of hers, and wants you to have the same thing: a child of your own. She wants those same beautiful things & feelings for you. I’m sure that she said what she said out of love for you, and a longing for you to be a mother b/c she knows how badly you want it.
You have been pregnant. You have not experienced the 40 weeks of pregnancy…you have not taken a pregnancy “to term”. And it’s okay to want that. It does not mean that your two pregnancies were anything less than a pregnancy. But, you have missed out on a great deal of being pregnant….like you said, the maternity clothes, the eating ice cream at 3 in the morning….the baby showers…the smiles from strangers just because they see that you are pregnant….and a baby in the end. A perfectly wonderful creation of God that YOU were chosen to carry and parent. Of course you want those things.
Hang in there.
A friend of mine had 2 miscarriages, and then a viable pregnancy. Her dtr is going to turn 1yo this month. She’s also now 18 weeks pregnant with pregnancy #4. They never found any medical reasons for her miscarriages. She is a firm believer that God has a plan for her.
….and I feel that way too.
…but, sometimes it gets frustrating not seeing the big picture from his seat, you know????…