a month of flowers, fluffies and other gushy stuff
So, its Valentine’s Day. The day that seems to represent February…a month that I didn’t really spend much time thinking about before it got here. I’ve realized why.
This month is a tough one for me – so far at least. I don’t feel like I ever stopped long enough to dwell on the February landmarks, and yet here I am – feeling pretty dumpy for the last two weeks. In trying to analyze my funk, I realized a few things about February 2008.
Things that this month marks:
- One year since my first positive home pregnancy test.
- One year since my first miscarriage.
- The due date for pregnancy #2.
- The arrival (this past Monday) of shadow pregnancy* #2.
I’m working on it and hoping to be out of my funk soon.
*I despise the term “shadow pregnancy” because I feel like it sounds really jealous sounding (and while I don’t want to be jealous, I probably am), but I don’t really know what else to say to communicate a pregnancy of a close friend who has a due date within 2 weeks of my former due date. Incidentally, both of my SP friends are in my small group. Husband and I are struggling with that still a little bit – those two babies, combined with the 10 month-old twins of the other couple in our group – who are insanely oblivious to how hurtful to us some of their innocent comments are – we’re considering a leave of absence from our group. I’m sure we won’t do it though.
I don’t know how you have lasted in that Bible study that long. I could hardly stand being in MOPS with twin mom because I felt like hurtful comments kept coming and coming and coming and I almost spontaneously combusted…
I am praying for you, for many things…
Ah, twin mom – the thing that keeps me going with her is that I feel like if I can’t pull together the guts to explain that sometimes things that are said innocently are hurtful to me and perhaps a little more thought before speaking could spare some of that; then I don’t get to be upset about it (for too long). Its a little bit my fault for never saying anything.
Several years ago, before our first miscarriage, we were asked if we’d move to a different small group at church. The couple who led the group were struggling to conceive and we were the reminders they didn’t want or need. We had three successful pregnancies during our time with the group (Sam, Tommy, and Joel).
At first, I was offended. I didn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t strong enough to overcome their feelings, and I questioned whether we were really friends at all. That was my perception. I knew the reason we were asked to leave, even though it was unspoken. Frankly, it hurt to be booted for reasons beyond our control. I didn’t understand them at all. I felt sympathetic but honestly thought they were over-reacting. OOhhhh, boy. Famous last feelings.
(That couple eventually conceived their son through IVF after years of heartbreak and crushing disappointment. They’ve also adopted their daughter from China and are awaiting their second daughter from China in the next few months.)
Things have changed, of course. I am clinically infertile now—which is bizarre when I think about it. Beatrix was a blessing in the midst, but I went two years without birth control and had two miscarriages before we conceived her. Since she was born, we haven’t used BC and I got pregnant once. And lost it. Almost 18 months now. My shadow pregnancies are due this month as well—I even wrote about how sucky February is for me. Two were due in February, one was lost in February. And I wonder what the H happened to my body???!?
I totally realize my situation is different than yours. I don’t mean to compare or pretend I understand your particular situation. I don’t want you to think I’m an asshat for replying on this post, either.
I hope February goes by quickly for you (and me) and that sunnier days are ahead in every sense of the meaning.