not that one, johnny cash

There is a line out there that I desperately desire to tread.  Truly a balancing act of epic proportions.

It’s a line walked by heroes and hall-of-famers and regular joes that you might not even notice.  It’s that place that you just want to settle into like the sweet spot in your mattress, but is often elusive and grey in areas and windy and twisty when you want it to be straight and straight when you want it to be windy and twisty.

It’s often uncomfortable and usually confusing, but it also bring a peace and a calm that surpass any other brand of tranquility.

Sometimes I walk right on it, feet firmly planted, other times I tiptoe across it’s narrow surface.  Even the tiptoes, though, are better than the moments when I go so far past it.

It’s the line between foolishness and faith.  And between faith and foolishness.  Take a step off of faith in either direction and you’ve landed in foolishness.

Have you got it figured out?

wordy mcworderson

I just finished answering all of the Autobiography questions for the home study.  They say that it should be 5-6 typed pages.  Mine is 8 7.5.  Three quarters of a page is from answering additional questions that are related to trans-racial adoption, so maybe I can tack that onto my 5-6 pages.  Either way – It’s time to edit!

ode to princesses, prom and presidents

The first pregnancy that I have heard news of since my first miscarriage where I didn’t feel a single twinge of jealousy is T’s.  She is 17 and a student in our student ministry at church.  I remember months ago when I was told about it.  I was sick to my stomach.  My heart ached for this child who – through making adult decisions for herself – has forced herself out of her childhood world, and not yet into adulthood – into this strange in-between.

That’s more than a kid should have to deal with at 17.

This isn’t the first time T has faced the raw of real life.  Four years ago her mom died of cancer.  She and her brother and sister waited at the hospital for their dad and step-mom to pick them up from their mother’s deathbed to move them and all of their remaining world to a new house with new rules and new pain.

My senior year of high school was spent anticipating Homecoming week, ruling the school, freezing at football games and having my first kiss.  T will start back to school in maternity clothes, she will wear her mistakes like a scarlet letter for all the world to see.  She will miss about a week of school in November to give birth to a little girl.  She will either have to say good-bye to the baby that she is now one with and her life will forever be altered, or she will choose to be a parent to this child when she comes into the world kicking and screaming and her life will forever be altered.

Kicking and screaming.  How fitting.

In November, T will be a mother, but she won’t even be voting for our next president.  I wish she could trade responsibilities.

week in review

Not too much new here.  We’re still trudging through the home study packet and we burned a CD of pictures this morning to give to our consultant so she can start putting together our profile.  Here’s a few highlights:

On our way to a wedding last Friday night.  You can’t tell in the picture, but I was having an excellent hair day.

This is from 2.5 years ago when Nephew was first born.  Look how handsome my husband is.  Who wouldn’t want to give him their baby?

Husband and Niece before we went to the wedding Friday night.  They are practically best friends.  (Also featured: on of my new decorative pillows.)

Playing at the pool with Mr. T.

flipping the switch

I don’t even know what my problem is.  I’m having a great day – I slept in, watched So You Think You Can Dance on the dvr, played some Pac-Man, did some work in the kitchen, made some headway with the adoption stuff and made myself a delicious strawberry/banana/peach smoothie.  Now I’m sitting in my recliner with my favorite blanket and my laptop crying over two really dumb things that I’m not going to even tell you because they are that dumb.

I have a feeling this has to do with my chocolate cravings and bloat.

miscellaneous bullet points

• My face has been unbelievable greasy lately.  To the point where I am blotting it with toilet paper in the bathroom at work.  I don’t want to have to start carrying a compact.
• I ran across my first hurdle in the adoption process today when I was trying to schedule my “china inspection”.  I would say more on that later, but I’ll probably never get around to it.
• Today at work I got into a heated argument about whether or not it is okay to keep pet dogs outside.  I’ll let you guess as to my position.  The fact that I even let it happen is a disappointment to me.  Lesson learned…hopefully.
• Am I the only person over the age of 15 watching this?  I hope not.  I mean it’s corny and all the rest, but also a little bit true to life of teenagers these days…at least many of the teenagers I know.  Scary, but true.
• If you are reading this and haven’t watched this and/or don’t know the meaning of Twitchington, then consider yourself introduced.  You’re welcome.
• I’m back to trying to lose weight again.
• One of my girlfriends from college had labor induced today.  Everyone was talking about her having a baby today, and I was the downer who was thinking, “…or tomorrow”.  Sorry, let’s be realistic here people.
• Operation Indian Princess has failed thus far this summer.  I am as pale as ever.
• The great thing about lists is that you don’t have to have a beginning or an end.

hope & faith. and truth.

I found myself saying something the other day and as I was saying it, I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.  Does that ever happen to you?  I usually call it verbal diarrhea.  This time was different though.  While I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth, I also recognized them to be true.

I was talking with some friends about the adoption and they were asking questions about the possibilities of the birth mother/parents changing their mind/s and I said:

“It’s possible.  I am hopeful that we’ve already had all of the bumps along the road to having a baby that we’re going to have, but there is no guarantee.  I know though that whatever happens, it will be our story and God is going to use it.”

It doesn’t seem like anything revolutionary to type, but it does seem revolutionary to me, to real believe those words in my heart.  Those are words of faith that I didn’t even know I possessed, and that faith is one for which I know I can’t take all the credit.

For the last two years, I’ve been struggling with the question of hope v. faith.  Are they the same thing?  Which ones comes first?  Where does one start and the other pick up; or are they mutually exclusive?

I still don’t have the answers about hope and faith, and I’m not sure that I will on this side of eternity, but I feel like the Holy Spirit is doing His work in me through my asking the questions.

bindings

“If I knew your name and address, I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.”

You’ve Got Mail

Back-to-school shopping for school supplies was always one of my favorite activities of the year.  I like organization.  I like binder clips and tabs and 3-hole punchers and 3-ring binders and folders.  At the core of my being, I believe in staplers and highlighters and paper clips and color coding.  I always relished walking the aisles of Jacks, choosing notebooks and folders that color coordinated.  Don’t even get me started on the pencil cases and Trapper Keepers.  Oh Trapper Keepers.

In college, I had my school supply needs streamlined to one binder with loose-leaf paper and various tabs for each of my classes.  Each tab contained a folder with pockets for anything that wasn’t 3-hole punched.  Don’t worry though, I owned my own 3-hole punch.

I also have a binder for each semester of Bible studies that I either led or participated in.  Included are all of the discussion questions, my notes and any other relevant paraphernalia.  These binders live today on a shelf in my basement.

At my career-type of job, I lived and died by a binder of information and it’s corresponding pdf form.  It was the way I walked clients through initial information and it was the way I would send them their updated information in an ongoing fashion.  We ordered case after case after case of binders and tabs and I think I sent out thousands of pdfs.  I love binders.

I even know the ins and outs of the binders and what to look for in a good binder.  Does it have side pockets?  More than one?  Do the rings lock?  Is it a D-ring?  Is the ring on the spine or on the bottom end?  Does it have a clear plastic pocket on the outside?  There are many many options.

Today I brought home my most important binder to date.  It isn’t what I was expecting – a dark and heavy 3″ binder with locking D-rings that would seem unapproachable and intimidating.  It’s just a quiet, little unassuming 1″ white binder with the standard Avery 10 tabs.

It’s special though. Important even.

It isn’t the size of the binder that makes it important or the fact that I was wearing my cute plaid espadrilles AND having a good hair day when I got it, (although I’m glad that both are true).

This little binder is going to make me a mom.

what i like about me

I was inspired by Haley-O to make a list of some things I like about myself.  You do it next, and tell me about it please.  Here goes:

1. I have a good fashion sense.  I may not exercise it at all times, but I do know how to buy clothes for my body – both colors and styles – and I do know how to put together complete outfits – clothes with shoes and jewelry.
2. I’m smart.  I am.  I know I come off like an airhead sometimes a lot of times (even on my own blog), but I’m smart.  I like to say it’s a little combo of book smart and street smart.  When I was in high school, a friend from youth group who went to a different school found out that I had straight A’s (don’t worry, it was just easy high school junk and also don’t worry, I went on to get a B in chemistry), and he was shocked.  That was the first time I realized that the impression I unintentionally give off is not always consistent with reality.  That impression is genuine, it’s just not the whole picture.
3. I am a good baker.  Anymore, it seems like scratch baking is a dying art, but it really isn’t much harder than buying a mix at the store and it tastes SO. MUCH. BETTER.  Please don’t start doing it if you don’t already though.  I like to impress people with my scratch baking, and if everyone does it, it’s just not that impressive.
4. I can type really fast.  I chalk it up to chat rooms being cool back when I was in my learning-to-type years in late junior high/early high school.
5. I’m excellent at Scrabble, Scattegories and Trivia Games.  (See #2 above.)  Seriously.  You want to be on my team.
6. I’m good at planning things.  I make organized lists, think of details and execute well.  I took a spiritual gifts test once and I scored high in the Administration/Ruling category.  Yes, I rule.

Okay, so I guess I’m pretty great.  Who doesn’t want to be friends with me now?

good thing we’re not flying

When I was in 9th grade, I had to do a demonstrative speech.  I stole my idea took a cue from Hey Dude and did a “How To Pack a Suitcase” speech.  It was stellar.  I mean, I know my stuff.  I know all about packing multiple tops that can be worn with the same bottoms and choosing a color theme that only require one pair of shoes.  I know the rules.

I just have a hard time following them.

Options!  I like options!  And only one pair of shoes for an entire weekend with a variety of events ranging from laying on the sofa in sweats to visiting a 92 year-old grandmother at her assisted living apartment to touring floodlands to hanging out with 60-somethings at a Fourth of July partay?  I not only like options, I NEED them!

I am going away until Saturday with:

• three pairs of shoes
• one pair of pants
• two pairs of shorts
• two pairs of capris
• five tops

I wonder what I’m forgetting…