July 24, 2007

left behind – the continuing saga

Posted in mousie at 8:50 am by Anonymouse

Last night as we were hanging around after small group, the men all went outside and the two pregnant women and the new mom started up a conversation about maternity clothes in the kitchen.  I was left in the living room with the teenage babysitters and saw a certain poetic element there.

I’m starting to feel left behind in terms of life stages.  When I first moved here, all of the people I met and spent time with were married.  They didn’t have kids yet, but they had a couple of more years of “the real world” and were ALL married.  I was fresh out of college and decidedly not married.  I enjoyed spending time with them, but always felt like I was just a step behind and was really sensitive to conversations being in terms of “couples” instead of “people” and things like that.  I didn’t burst into tears or anything, I just was sensitive to it.

The same thing is starting to happen with people having babies now.  Maybe I wouldn’t be as sensitive to it if it weren’t for the fact that I want to be having babies now.  Many of my friends have gotten pregnant since I was initially pregnant, but they all annoyingly have due dates within weeks of either my October or my February due dates.

It is difficult for me to hear the woes of morning sickness or migraines, when I would endure any of those things if it meant that I was pregnant (easy for me to say, when I’m not really having to endure them, right?).  I realize how silly it is that I feel this way and more importantly, I realize that it is a choice for me to feel sorry for myself, bitter, jealous etc. or to feel joy for my friends who I love and who want their babies as much as I wanted mine.  95% of the time, I am making the right choice.  Sometimes its an easy choice and sometimes I fight myself pretty hard to do it.  I am forcing myself to buy baby gifts for pregnant friends, offer showers, etc. so as to only add to and not to steal one ounce of their joy.

So now, I find myself wondering what lesson I need to learn in all of this as my friends all leave me in the dust, as I prepare to host baby showers and smile politely as I’m told that I’m next, as I continue to answer “Oh, someday,” as if I don’t even care when asked when we’ll have a baby, as I realize that another Mother’s Day will surely pass before I will hold my own sweet child, and as I struggle to rest in the peace of knowing that God is in control.

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1 Comment »

  1. Sarah Abrahams said,

    I’d don’t know what to say except I know the feeling. I didn’t get married until I was 27 and though we started trying pretty much right away, didn’t have a baby until I was 30. I remember standing pretty silent for a lot of conversations over those years (labor stories were really fun.) I know that struggle for peace and I’m praying for you.

    Sarah


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