November 15, 2007

it

Posted in mousie at 11:06 am by Anonymouse

I am fighting with darkness.  I don’t know how to make it go away and I don’t know how to describe it.  I cry, I worry, I scream in my head in confusion.  I don’t know when it started, but I barely remember before it happened and I want it to end.  It comes and goes and sometimes it isn’t that strong and I can ignore it and other times it is so powerful that I retreat deeper and deeper inside myself and into it.  I try to practice mind-numbing exercises – concentrate on the tv, quote Scripture, pray, cry out to God – to make it go away and it remains ever present in that moment.  It is a wrestling match against an intangible foe; and yet my enemy is so enveloping.  It scares me.  It is very self-involved, very lonely, very ugly and very dark.

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I’ve been feeling terribly uninspired lately, so I decided to post this that has been sitting in my drafts for months.  When I wrote it, it was so real and scary and I felt vulnerable writing it, even just for myself.  I never dreamed of posting it.  Now, I look at it and the emotion isn’t there in the words like it was when I wrote it.  I wish I had dated it for posterity sake.  I think it was sometime in August/September.  Now, I remember those feelings like something far away.  I know they were real, but I can’t tap into them.  Not that I’m really trying.

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1 Comment »

  1. Rach said,

    Wow, did I write that?


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