February 3, 2010

people who bug me: adoption edition

Posted in mousie at 7:45 pm by Anonymouse

People who say “adoption isn’t an option for us”. What the heck does that mean?  Would you not pass a home study?  Just say you don’t want to adopt.  Don’t be all vague and pretentious about it.  I don’t care if you adopt or not.

People who think that we did some great big philanthropic thing by adopting Baby Swiss.  Like we rode in on our white horse and saved her from a certain life of tragedy.  Because, really…she could have done a lot better in the parent department than us, and we were not the only couple hunting for a baby last year.

People who suggest that I’ll get pregnant now that I’ve adopted. After all adoption is the cure for all brands of infertility, don’t you know?   And, people only adopt when they are infertile.  We’re actively working against that happening, thanks.

People who refer to Baby Swiss’ birth/biological parents as her “mom” and “dad” or, even worse “the mom” and “the dad”. It’s not that hard people.  If you don’t know, just ask.  There is no such thing as a stupid question.  Just stupid people who don’t ask questions.

People who feel sorry for me because I didn’t experience pregnancy/delivery. I don’t feel sorry for me, so you really don’t need to waste your time.  I just went through a different gestating, birthing process.  I also wore a belt to my baby shower, eat that.

People who tell me how lucky I am to miss out on the woes of pregnancy/delivery. Dude, if you didn’t want to do it, then you should have picked another door.  How about I don’t complain about some social worker coming to my house to check for a fire extinguisher in the kitchen and you don’t complain about getting up to pee all night.  Deal?

Okay, so those last two sort of contradict each other, but both are kind of true at the same time.  What else am I missing?



  1. HereWeGoAJen said,

    How about the woman I saw today at the Social Security office? She was sitting with a two year old kid that she kept threatening with “a wupping” if he didn’t sit still (for an hour and a half, dude, I can’t sit still that long). And she leaned over her chair and said to the woman behind her “he’s not my real kid, you know. I got him when he was two weeks old. His mom didn’t want him. I didn’t want kids, but you know, what can you do?”

    So how about Baby Swiss could have done a lot worse too? 😉

  2. Good Lord, the story in the previous comment is appalling.

    I think it demonstrates the fact that adoptive parents aren’t all angels, which is how they are often depicted. I would think this would be an annoying stereotype to combat since you are NOT perfect and people are less likely to accept your parenting screw-ups somehow.

    Is this the case? Do you know what I mean?

  3. Kelly said,

    I really HATE when people ask me what country Mea is from. She’s from here thank you very much.

    I also really HATE when people ask me how much she cost. She was free, adoption costs something.

    I cannot stand when I am asked if she was a crack baby, or where her parents are, or if she has siblings. If I know you well enough, you may know some of it, but it’s her story, and hers to share.

    Rant over, for now.

  4. Sarah Abrahams said,

    Good list. I couldn’t agree with you more!

  5. Rach said,

    BabySwiss/hubby/You are a HUGE catalyst in adoption talks going on at this house.

    Just wanted you to know.

  6. Rach said,

    Kelly –
    With all due respect, I just sent Anonymouse an email asking some of those questions. Yes, your daughter was free, adoption costs something, so maybe it’s the wording that angered you. But that said, I know that when considering having a baby “naturally” or adopting, you have to think about the costs, etc. I’m not sure who asked you that or if they asked you that in a totally inappropriate setting, but I, for one, was curious because we are trying to make some of these choices and I really appreciate Anonymouse for answering the questions honestly and thoughtfully.

    Our biological daughter has cost us over $20,000 and counting, so I do agree with you that freaking out over adoption costs is a tad silly.

    That probably didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I guess I am saying that I appreciate being able to ASK the question, knowing that I will get a well-thought-out response.

    Anonymouse, if I offended you with any of my questions, I am so sorry!

  7. Renae said,

    Excellent list. SO tired of the “can’t wait til you adopt and then get pregnant” line!!!

    We think you and Baby Swiss and Mr. Mouse are pretty awesome!

    Oh yeah, and we met with our sw on Monday and I so started to say the b word that we talked about. Hope sw didn’t catch it but hubby sure did!

  8. Came across this post and meant to comment. And then didn’t. But it’s been bugging me so here goes: On the “not an option for us” – we tend to use this terminology when talking about IVF and while we haven’t (yet?) ruled out adoption, if we did I’d probably use the same wording.

    I think that the words “not an option” are more accurate than “I don’t want to”.

    In my case, it means that the reasons behind not going down that road are complicated and private. If you are infertile, people already ask pretty invasive and insensitive questions about children. What’s it to you if I am sometimes vague when I answer?

  9. marigold said,

    I hear ya! Try being a birthmom and fielding totally inappropriate questions and comments! Hmmm, think I’ll blog about that soon, mind if I link back here?

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