February 6, 2010

gambling

Posted in mousie at 10:15 pm by Anonymouse

A few months ago, I was driving to meet a good acquaintance for lunch.  She had just had a miscarriage and was having a rough time.  She and I have many friends in common and sometimes end up at the same social functions, but aren’t really friends.  As I was driving, I was kind of dreading it.  I mean, “How do you feel about your dead baby?” is not exactly my favorite topic of conversation over soup and salad.

So, I’m driving and wondering what the heck I was thinking committing to this, and then I remember…

I’m playing the cards I’ve been dealt.

I had some miscarriages.  Three to be exact.

When I was going through all of that, I really wanted to hear someone’s story that had been there too.

I heard a lot of stories of people whose moms had miscarriages or stories of people who knew people who had a miscarriage at some point after a healthy pregnancy.  I don’t mean to lessen the grief related to those stories, but they didn’t mean anything to me then.  I wanted to hear from someone who wasn’t decades removed from their loss(es) and who knew what it was like to want to be a mom and not get to be a mom.  To me, that was the person who would understand me.  Understand my grief.

I never found that person when I was in the muck.  But now.  Now, I am that person.  Driving to lunch that day, I was that person.

I was that person playing the cards I’d been dealt.

Right before Baby Swiss was born – about 18 hours before she was born, to be a bit more precise – Mr. Mouse and I shared a bit of our story (miscarriage/miscarriage/miscarriage/home study/serious medical issues/very open adoption) at a big annual church thing.  People thanked us for sharing it and I always just said, “What’s the point in us going through all of this if we’re not going to talk about it?”

We were just playing the cards we’d been dealt.

Now, when my friend asks me questions about adoption, I answer them without a second thought.

I’m just playing the cards I’ve been dealt.

When people act shocked that Baby Swiss’ birth parents are invited to her birthday party, I explain for the thousandth time how open adoption works – specifically in our situation.

I’m just playing the cards I’ve been dealt.

Because I don’t control the deal, I just choose to play or fold.

And, you never win if you always fold.

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3 Comments »

  1. HereWeGoAJen said,

    This is one of my favorite things that you’ve written.

  2. Rach said,

    Um, seriously?

    I was just going to write waht HereWeGoAJen just wrote.

    That last line is going on my refrigerator.

  3. Yes, your last two lines are brilliant (the whole thing is great, but those lines will stick with me).

    I chose to play.


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