March 19, 2010

horror stories from the adoption world

Posted in mousie at 1:41 pm by Anonymouse

There is a couple from our church who have been waiting to  adopt a baby since around the time Baby Swiss was born.  They’ve been chosen by something like 9 birth parents, but the first 8 didn’t work out – they turned down one or two situations, birth parents changed their minds before the babies were born, etc.

Birth mother #9 gave birth yesterday.  After a 13 hour drive, this couple was at the hospital when the baby was born.  There have been happy facebook status updates galore, and then today there was a cryptic update, asking for prayers for the “situation.”

I don’t know how it will turn out and I don’t pretend to think that the birth parents don’t have every single right to that baby.  She is their baby unless they sign papers to say that she is someone else’s baby and that is a tough decision to make.

There is a lot I don’t know about this particular situation.

I do know what it’s like to be waiting for papers to be signed and to have things arise that scare you.

There are certain stressors that surrounded Baby Swiss’ adoption that we don’t talk about and won’t talk about in order to protect everyone involved.

There is one stressor that came up when Baby Swiss was born that I don’t think I ever talked about here.

Shortly after Baby Swiss was born (like before we were all even moved from the labor/delivery room to a room on the mother-baby unit), this woman shows up to see the baby.  She introduces herself to me, holds the baby, leaves.  She clearly knew T and T’s dad, so I didn’t think too much about it.

After she leaves, T tells me that she is the mother of a former boyfriend.

Later, we get word from T that this woman is texting T and telling her that she knows that this baby is the child of the former boyfriend and that the adoption can’t happen.  T tells us all about this, and we’re not worried.  We believe T that it would be impossible for the baby to be this ex-boyfriend’s kid.  Thus she has no way to stop the adoption from happening (or convince her son to try to stop it).

It turned out that when she left after her visit, she didn’t leave.  She sought out the hospital social worker and told her that the baby was her son’s and that her son didn’t want the adoption to happen.

There are some hush hush moments with T and the social worker where we have to leave the room because the social worker was doing her job and being an advocate for T.  T told us all about all of it, which we really appreciated.

The ex-boyfriend even stopped by the hospital with his sister who is examining the baby closely to see if the baby looks like her brother.  He and T both called his mom crazy and acknowledged there was no way that the baby was his.

We think it’s all blown over until day 2 in the hospital when we hear from our attorney that there has been an anonymous call into the State claiming that we were coercing T into giving us her baby.

Of course, this means that our attorney and T’s attorney are all involved and we’re paying them both big bucks beyond what was expected.  It also means that a state social worker has to come by the hospital and talk to T to make sure that we aren’t forcing her into anything.

Of course, the baby wasn’t this kid’s baby.  We weren’t forcing T into anything and everything eventually blew over.  Even though we knew in our heads that this woman couldn’t do anything, it was scary to have someone after us like that.

Who knows why she did it.  Maybe she really loved T and wanted a connection to her.  Maybe she wanted a new baby to raise since her kids were all older.  T thought, and maybe it’s true – that she didn’t think white people should adopt a [half] black baby.

Who knows.

Either way, when I see any kind of drama (and there’s always something) happening in an adoption situation, I just really hurt for everyone involved.  It’s such an emotional time for everyone involved and no matter what happens, someone is walking away with a new bundle of joy and someone is walking away with empty arms.


  1. My heart goes out to your friends. I hope it works out and that whatever is worrying them will be swiftly resolved.

  2. Renae said,

    Oh dear. Praying for your friends.

    I have another friend who was told yesterday that birthdad was vehemently opposed to the adoption and he was going to parent and it was done. Tonight (literally minutes ago) they got a call from birthmom that she still wants them to adopt even though birthdad will fight. My heart aches for them too.

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