September 21, 2010
warning: unsavory mental pictures ahead
I’m conflicted as to how much to share about details of what’s happening with our adoption situation.
On one hand, I would love to be totally completely open and put it all out there in the interest of giving the Internet a real view of what goes on (from the adoptive family perspective) in an adoption.
On the other hand, I want to protect some of the people involved.
I’m not sure it’s possible to do both at the same time.
The first time I was pregnant, I discovered some bleeding during a routine trip to the bathroom. Several days later, I had a miscarriage.
Repeat that two more times and you end up with a year of living on the edge.
A year of being paranoid with every single routine trip to the bathroom.
That is not an exaggeration.
That year took a lot out of me.
Being matched with a birth mother, for me, feels a little bit like that year.
You have been given this precious gift, but you know that at anytime, you might see that pink swipe (sorry for the mental picture) and it could be the beginning of the end.
You know there are risks.
You know people who are just like you who have been in very similar situations who have had their world drop out from under them.
Some days, you see a pink swipe.
The pink swipe might be an email.
Or a lack of an email.
It might be a phone call.
The pink swipe might be hearing your attorney use words like “implications” and “risks”.
(P.S. When did you ever think you were going to be someone who had an attorney?)
Yesterday was a pink swipe day.
In more ways than one.
It is highly likely that the pink swipes will keep coming until Baby is born.
And then probably a few more between birth and finalization.
And then we might just have to live with the possibilities that they might not be over even then.
So the cliffhanger from yesterday?
That wasn’t referring to something that would be cleared up today.
Or by November 5th.
Or 30-60 days after that.
That cliffhanger is just where we’re living for now.
I imagine after awhile we’ll get comfortable on the edge of the cliff.
The scenery will start to be familiar and not feel so scary.
And then some rocks will slide.
We’ll have to regain our balance and figure out which muscles to rest and which ones to use.
And we’ll dig our fingernails in and grit our teeth.
And just keeping hanging.
Because it’s worth it.