February 29, 2008
food for thought
I never understood why people take meals to families that have new babies. I’m a picky eater and don’t like the idea of eating food prepared by other people with potentially unknown, scary ingredients. I don’t like the idea of telling people that are kindly offering to cook a meal for me what ingredients they may or may not include. I don’t like the idea of throwing out food that was prepared by other people because I don’t like it. I don’t mind at all the idea of eating a lot of frozen pizza, take-out, peanut butter and jelly, cereal, etc.
Also, if I’m completely honest, I can’t figure out what a new mom of one baby does with herself all day. Funny coming from a stay-at-home-wife, isn’t it? Let me be honest though. Most new moms I know take a pass on the housework and don’t leave their house for at least 2 weeks after baby comes home. If this is true AND meals are being provided, what I imagine is going on with the day is some schedule/combination of feeding baby, changing baby, sleeping baby (& mom), with maybe some laundry thrown in. Lather, rinse repeat. I can’t figure out how this equates to mom not being able to throw a dinner together in 45 minutes OR dad not being able to do it when he gets home. This is assuming that the frozen pizza, take-out, pb&j, cereal, etc. are unacceptable options and also assuming there are no older children in the home.
Okay, moms out there, don’t get mad at me, I know that I’ve just never been there. I cook lots of meals for new moms and do it with a right attitude – except I always take the food over in throw-away containers because I’ve had too many pyrex dishes (with my name on them) not returned to me. In fact, I just took a meal to friends from our small group two days ago. Someday, I’d like to have an honest conversation with a mom of a new baby to know what she does with her day, a conversation that would not result in me hurting her feelings by my naive assumptions and/or ignorant questions.
Now I’m going to completely contradict myself. (At least I’m honest, right?)
Why do we (you can pick what the “we” means – I guess I’m assuming that “we” = church ladies) only cook meals for new moms? I mean I was sick for more than a month when I started taking metformin and all of my friends knew it. All of my friends that I cooked meals for when they had their new babies knew that I was sick every single day for MORE THAN A MONTH and it occurred to exactly 1 of them to offer to cook a meal for Husband and me. I’ve had THREE MISCARRIAGES and no one has offered to cook a meal for us. Does this mean that I need new friends? Or that they are just not very thoughtful? Or does it mean that “we” only cook meals for new moms and funerals out of obligation rather than out of a true desire to perform a service for a friend?
Raise your hand if you’re offended by this post. (Seriously, not my intention.) My apologies to new moms everywhere. I’m not jealous of your mystery dinners every night, but I’m jealous of your new babies that get them for you.
not imitation cheese 
Tina said,
February 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm
When I was a new mom back in May 2004 (well before m/c was in my daily dictionary), there was a lather-rinse-repeat cycle going on when DS came home – feed baby, change baby, baby sleeping, feed baby, change baby, baby sleeping. So, at least for me, that part of your post was right.
But, I am a very anal person – I needed to accomplish something while I was home (trying to prove I can do it all, I suppose – not necessarily a good trait to have). So, I never napped with my DS when I was “supposed to” like the books said. I cleaned consistently (since this was the first time I was home f/t in YEARS of working outside the home), cooked meals, did laundry, etc. And, of yes, the one vice I allowed myself was to relish in holding my son while he slept in between the chores. He deserved that time….as did I since he was the special blessing of my own IF journey.
As for cooked meals – only one person brought me a cooked meal while I was home with DS…a special someone in my life who is still battling through her IF journey since 2004. That meal (she is a fabulous cook, so I never worried about contents) we shared with her and her DH that night. And, when she went though one of her IVF cycles with bad OHSS, I returned the favor and brought dinner to her and her DH (and left my DS home with my IL’s).
You are right in your post – home cooked meals should not be reserved for new moms at all. They should be made from the heart, for anyone who needs them – whether they be new moms, people who are too sick to do it themselves, and, yes, women who have been through losses of children, regardless of the age. That meal made should be a special “I’m thinking of you” gesture – well beyond a convenience for a new mom.
Honestly, I think some of your friends just might not be thoughtful of your feelings and your needs. My last m/c – the hardest for me emotionally – was relatively overlooked by most friends and family, like I was a pro at losing pregnancies. No cards, flowers, phone calls – or meals – were sent. That hurt…and will always be something I will remember.
Jen said,
February 29, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Yeah, you absolutely deserved some meals brought to you. I can’t think why people don’t do that.
However, I think new moms get meals brought to them is because labor/delivery/new baby is exhausting. I mean, that is a major physical event and it would take your body a while to heal, return to normal, and have energy again. Of course, I have never done it myself, but that is what I assume.
anonymouseandcheese said,
February 29, 2008 at 2:44 pm
For the record, I never wanted a meal brought to me. Just the acknowledgement, I suppose. I’m fickle like that. 😉
gretchen from lifenut said,
February 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm
After my third miscarriage last August, the ladies from MOPS brought meals to me for two solid weeks.
The thought still chokes me up. It was humbling, because I could have cooked dinner, easily. I could have called freaking Pizza Hut, if need be. My husband is capable of whipping up just about anything.
But they treated me tenderly and I am beholden to them forever for their thoughtfulness. They made it real and important. I am crying right now at the memory of a certain woman bringing her crockpot into my kitchen and plugging it in, pre-loaded with chicken and rice.
I’d bring you something, ‘mouse.
Kim said,
March 1, 2008 at 2:48 am
I am not offended at all. But now you have made me think. I think I need some new friends and why not add family while we are at it. I have three boys all concieved through extensive fertility treatments. I also have had six early miscarriages and lost my youngest son’s twin at 18 weeks. I got one meal with my first son and one meal while on bedrest for one of my IVF cycles – they are the only ones.
Yet, I always bring meals – to anyone I think needs one. Homemade chicken soup to a friend with the flu. A meal to my inlaws who were having a difficult time with a son. Also to friends with babies and those without a job. I agree that it should be a nice gesture and not reserved for new moms. I have been know to also give a new mom a gift certificate to a local restaurant that delivers!
As a new mom I did cook simple meals.But it was a never ending cycle of feeding and changing and washing and crying and rocking, you are right. But it also depends on the temperment of the baby and the conditon of the mom. I had three c-sections so was not up and around to well for about a week. I have a friend whose baby cried for about three months straight whenever she was put down. Now as a mother of three, I find it hard to get everything done. I have learned to stop obsessing and be okay iwth having cereal for dinner once in a while.
Thanks for asking great questions.
Mandy said,
March 1, 2008 at 8:51 am
This sparks so many things inside of me – and if you offend someone it maybe that they feel that little twinge in their gut known as guilt. That’s me. I can think of 3 women I know from church, MOPS, etc that had miscarriages and I never brought her anything (food, card, etc). Emails, yes, but I don’t know if they count. My sorry excuses are I think she wouldn’t want to hear from me b/c I’ve never experienced a miscarriage. Or, I don’t know what to say and we would sit there in silence or worse, I might start talking about my kids. Or, she needs time alone to heal. Or, she is probably getting support from her family. All these are lame excuses but honestly what goes through my mind. But, with a new Mom there’s no worries of causing MORE pain. That fear is what keeps me from doing most things like this. If I thought I had caused a woman suffering from a miscarriage MORE pain my heart would break into a thousand pieces. But, I can see just someone acknowledging the pain and loss is what they need.
Thanks for making me think and examine myself.
shelli said,
March 1, 2008 at 9:29 pm
the only reason that people brought food for us when we brought Malka home was because of the “what do you need?” Questions we got. We responded: “FOOD!”
I’ve also cooked, or sent chocolate or flowers to friends who’ve had teh unfortunate experience of miscarriage.
Because it sucks, and the last thing a person wants to think about is cooking.
So yeah, I’d say you don’t need new friends, but maybe just a willingness to ask them for what you want…
isn't it pretty to think so said,
March 2, 2008 at 7:56 am
Hello, I just read this post and wanted to say that i have a friend, and EVERY time she gets pregnant (on her third right now), for 9 months, i get to hear about the big present she’s going to get from her husband for having a baby. Diamond necklace…diamond ring. Seriously…can’t she just be grateful for getting a baby? I know it’s not a meal, but it made me think of it just the same. Maybe i should try, “Honey, i just had my 4th miscarriage…here’s the Ross-Simon catalog. Go get me something pretty!”
Sunny said,
March 2, 2008 at 8:50 am
Oh you so need new friends or you need to share your heart more. When I had my m/c my friends took turns bringing dinner. Some stayed and ate with us while others dropped it off at the door . I could have fixed dinner but it was a sign of love and caring. They didn’t have to say it but showed it instead. If you lived near me I would bring you roast, potatoes, carrots, rice, bread, salad and dessert. 🙂
Renae said,
March 2, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Ah, this touches on one of my trigger points. I recently had a “church friend” and I use that term very loosely, tell me, and I quote, “Well if you adopt, we won’t have to bring meals to you.” Thank f—— you. I about started crying – she’s had 3 kids, and recently broke an ankle and the church has bent over backwards to take meals to her and her family. But I will be treated differently because I cannot physically conceive and bear forth a child from my womb. For the record – and I could be being a bit snarky here, but I think the adoption transition can be much harder than birth. Maybe I won’t have the physical effects – but I also may not have 9 months to prepare. We could literally get a call from a birth mom and have a baby in a week. But I don’t dare set up the nursery ahead of time because walking by that empty room day after day would do me in.
Ok, enough of my ranting. You bring up a good point. We see the obvious needs – funeral food, new busy exhausted parents, broken limbs – but we don’t see the hurting hearts. We can’t see what’s going on in someone’s life if they hide it. We don’t share our infertility struggles with many people – they have no idea how bad it hurts – and how much it hurts to be forgotten. But I often think back to a line from a poem I used to know by heart. I think it is called Comes The Dawn and has been attributed to various authors – the line reads, “so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” Simply put – take care of yourself & don’t expect that someone else will. I know that my God will – and I do know that my Hubs will be there and we have close friends and good family – but deep down, I know I’ve gotta take care of my own needs.
Great, thought-provoking post.
luna said,
March 7, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I came over from mel’s roundup. very thought provoking post. having never been a new mom myself, I’ve only brought meals over for new families, but I’ve also done this when someone was sick. I suppose it’s about comfort and care. I always assumed exhaustion was one reason new parents might not have the chance or desire to cook, not just from childbirth but from lack of sleep. but shame on the person who would treat an adoptive parent differently.
I think I could use some new friends though too. after I lost my baby, one friend brought us over a meal which was very thoughtful. but one of the most touching things was when a colleague (who we are not close to) baked us a homemade heart-shaped cheesecake, and loaded it up with fresh berries on top — for sweeter times. I’m normally pretty picky about my dairy intake, but the kind gesture just brought tears to my eyes.
thanks for this post. ~luna
southcitysadie said,
March 7, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Here from Stirrup Queens. I’m with you; as a picky eater, I don’t want people bringing food, esp. casseroles, into my house. But you raise a good question as to what degree of “incapacity” merits assistance from others, and the areas where people seem afraid to step in.
jesspond said,
March 7, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I came over from Mel’s Roundup.
I can HONESTLY say that when I was a new mom to the ONE baby, even though I was pregnant, I was bored a lot. I was a SAHW previously, so I was used to the boredom, but it was still boredom. Less, of course, though. More laundry. More sleeping since I was pg. But my daughter was a good baby and slept a lot. Now, if a baby is relaly colicky, I can see how it might get crazy. But most babies….one shouldn’t be too much trouble.
Perhaps we take meals over to new moms with the thought that they’re recovering themselves from the physical aspect of birth AND also adding work.
Because when I gave birth to our son (our daughter was adopted at birth) about 6 months later, and let me tell you….THAT was different. With a 6 month old already and a new baby, it was bad. I think it would have been better, but I was pretty laid up for at least 3 weeks, and I had a relatively easy birth (there was some stitch issues after). But with two infants and myself to take care of…I did need the help.
However, if I would only have had our son, I could have still lifted him. As it was, our daughter was over my lifting limit. It stunk.
But that sort of situation is really similar to someone on met who is sick for a month, or someone on bedrest. Those are trying times, too.
I think we should do more for people suffering in other ways. Our church sent us a wreath once and another arangement once as well during our IF struggle. It was a little awkward, but also appreciated. But those type of gestures are few and far between, I’m afraid.
Good post!!
Rachel said,
March 7, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Came from Mel. 1st of all, not offended, just commenting.
I wondered why new moms needed meals so badly too. My first week at home with my son we spent 3 hours every morning at the doctor. He ate for 45 minutes every 2 hours and was colicky. I spent most of his nap time holding him because he wouldn’t sleep any other way. More than once I didn’t eat until 4 because I didn’t have time to put a sandwich together. I almost cried when someone called and said they were bringing supper over in an hour. It was wonderful! When she arrived she also offered to run the vacuum or run any errands I needed. It was way beyond what most people do.
My son is 3 months old now and I usually can make it to the store and cook, but it isn’t easy all the time.
My friends brought me several meals after my miscarriage, and some invited us to their house just so we wouldn’t be sitting home alone. One friend just came and hung out with me on her lunch break. On other occasions I had meals brought when I was sick and my husband was working out of town.
I had friends who had miscarriages before I did and I sent them cards and e-mails checking up on them, but now that I have been through it, I make sure to take them meals and offer to babysit for them if they have other kids. I guess we learn from our experiences.
Maybe you just need to open up to your friends so that they aren’t clueless. I am sure they wouldn’t hurt your feelings on purpose.
Pepper said,
March 7, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Also here from Mel’s Roundup.
I think the meal-bringing issue is an interesting mix of statements about our society and about modern friendships.
I’m guilty of only bringing meals to those in times of mourning. Having experienced the loss of a loved one, I know how those first weeks can go by in such a blur of grief and arrangements. It’s the only time in my life that I’ve actually forgotten to eat. Dozens of my friends attended the funeral and sent cards, but exactly two people brought me a meal. And only one of them would I count as a close friend.
I’ve had one or two opportunities to participate in bringing meals to new parents, but I haven’t because I honestly didn’t think they needed it. I guess I figured that husbands are capable enough to pick up the phone and order in if that’s what was necessary. The thoughtful part of the gesture absolutely escaped me.
More recently, however, I have offered to bring meals to a friend who was on bedrest after IVF transfer, so maybe I’m not that terrible.
Perhaps it’s a statement of how close we are to certain people. For my very close, longterm friends, bringing meals for various occasions has occurred to me because our relationships are “worth” going through the effort of planning, puchasing, making, and delivering. For my acquaintances it has not. But I’m glad you wrote this post because now I’ll be more conscious of making an effort to help in times of need.
elizabeth said,
March 7, 2008 at 6:28 pm
You raise extremely valid points.
When I came back to work after a death in the family (I was gone for two weeks, no questions asked) my boss asked me what they could do to support me? I said I needed help just getting control of the laundry. Two co-workers came and did my laundry, swept and vacuumed, AND set up a schedule for meals. My co-workers fed me for two weeks as I grieved. I got cards from people at church.
andrea_jennine said,
March 9, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Here from the Round-Up. I’ve had similar thoughts early in my IF struggle. But our church really rallied around us during our IVFs and my laparoscopy, bringing meals that suited my picky tastebuds!
Malky B. said,
March 10, 2008 at 11:27 pm
I had more meals prepared for me after my 2 loses than when my daughter was born. I guess every community is different as to the help it offers. Also, my MIL felt like she needed to get us more help after the loses and organized (or made) meals for us.
If your still not doing well on the Metformin there are slow release ones that are easier on your system. Let me know if you need more info.
Frenchie said,
March 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Hi–I just discovered your blog through various links. Hope you don’t mind me chiming in.
I agree with you. You deserved to have people extend the same spirit of help and friendship to bring you food (or whatever you needed!) when you were going through your struggles.
When I had my miscarriage (2 years ago) no one brought food or did anything, except my mother in law, who kindly came and stayed for a couple of days. Everyone else just avoided the whole thing…like it was too much of a bummer and no one knew what to say or do.
However, when I became a new mom thru adoption last year, I thought (naively) I would get the same support and outpouring of help I see new moms of bio children receive all the time. Nope. Nada. Okay, I wasn’t recovering from childbirth. But was I overwhelmed? Yes. Stressed? Yes. Wanting to spend time bonding with my son rather than cook and or clean or grocery shop? Yes. Did I deserve the same fawning over that any new mom receives? I thought so. I was surprised when it didn’t come. So…I don’t know. That’s my thoughts….