names are changed to protect the innocent and/or guilty

March 20, 2009

names are changed to protect the innocent and/or guilty

Remember my Mom’s Group that I wasn’t a big fan of?  Well, for the next edition of their newsletter, they are highlighting adoption.  They asked another member who adopted her daughter from China and me to write out our adoption stories.  Here is what I gave them:

I’ve always wanted to be a mom.  I thought my life would follow the sing-song plan sung on playgrounds across the country – K-I-S-S-I-N-G, love marriage and then the baby in the baby carriage.

In January 2007, after the K-I-S-S-I-N-G, falling in love and a year of marriage, Mr. Mouse and I felt ready for the baby in the baby carriage.  I’d heard enough statistics to know that I shouldn’t expect to get pregnant right away, so I didn’t expect it.  But when I did get pregnant right away, we were thrilled.  We began dreaming of who our baby would be and what our life would look like as not just a couple, but as a family.

“He gives…”

A few weeks later, we saw our baby’s beating heart – a tiny flicker on a monitor, real and unreal at the same time.

In February we were mourning a lost baby and lost dreams.

“…and takes away.”

In June 2007, we were thrilled to find that I was pregnant again.  We had lost our blissful innocence, but were full of hope for the pregnancy and again, dreams for our baby.

“He gives…”

A few weeks later, we saw our baby’s beating heart.

In July we were mourning another lost baby.

“…and takes away.”

At this point, my doctor referred me to fertility specialist.  I was poked and prodded, in a preliminary round of tests – all leaving us with no answers and lots of medical bills.  We ultimately decided against the next round of testing for a host of reasons and moved forward with a conservative approach to a new pregnancy.

In January 2008, I found myself pregnant for the third time – full of fear and the tiniest glimmer of hope, and still dreaming.

“He gives…”

A few weeks later, we saw our baby’s beating heart.  This pregnancy continued past all of the familiar mile markers of the first two.  As our tiny baby grew, so did the hope.

Then, in February 2008, one day before the anniversary of the first miscarriage, we were mourning another lost baby and even more lost dreams.  The reality of our circumstances was just like those tiny hearts we had seen beating – real and unreal at the same time.

“…and takes away.”

Throughout this whole year, friends were announcing pregnancies and having healthy, babies – sweet, cuddly reminders of what I couldn’t have.  I hosted showers, visited babies in the hospital and delivered meals to new moms while experiencing the physical and emotional effects of my miscarriages.  I was both full of joy for my friends and blinded by my own grief.

I knew that God had a plan, but despite my best efforts, I couldn’t see what it might be.

Ready to move on from the idea of a biological baby, we decided to explore adoption.  This was not a plan B for us, rather an attempt to find God’s plan for our family.

“He gives…”

In July 2008, we started our home study for a domestic adoption.  Physicals, fingerprints, background checks, applications, autobiographies and home visits later, we were given the green light to do something that most people achieve with less paperwork, no trips to the police station and considerably fewer additional parties – be parents.

A few weeks before this green light came; we were approached by T, a pregnant teenager from our church, who I knew through my involvement with the student ministry.  She had heard we were hoping to adopt and wanted to know if we would consider adopting her baby.

This was not a new idea to us.  A handful of well-meaning friends had suggested this to us months before and we had seen the idea as an over-simplification of the situation and dismissed it quickly in favor of pursuing an agency adoption.

However, an idea that months ago had seemed ridiculous was one we found ourselves considering.  Our prayer was that God would clearly show us that this was either His perfect plan or the craziest idea that was ever cooked up.

He showed us.

Three months, doctor’s appointments, conversations with social workers, meetings with attorneys and many details later, I stood in the delivery room as my daughter was born, red and screaming into this world – real and unreal at the same time.

Baby Swiss was born three days before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving indeed.

Open adoption is a new idea for all of us, and we are still figuring out the details of all of the new relationships and roles we have – birth families, adoptive parents, mama, daddy…  But we have in common a little girl, with big brown eyes, fuzzy hair and a smile that brightens anyone’s day – a little girl who we all love.

“My heart will choose to say: ‘Lord blessed be Your Name.'”

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